[Midlife Career Mentoring] responding to an attack (or not)

Recently "Jim" sent me this email:

"My coworker just went on the attack! He sent around messages suggesting that I had dropped the ball on a big project, with copies to my boss and other senior managers. Our company culture places a high value on building consensus and avoiding conflict. So I don’t want to seem argumentative but I want to make sure the decision-makers get the full story."

Jim wanted to write a detailed response. He muttered about hiring a lawyer -- and sometimes that *is* a good idea. But first, I suggested, here are some general considerations:

1. Rise above insulting communications, if at all possible.

Most of the time, you’re ahead of the game if you take the high road. (Hmm...did I just mix a metaphor?)

Let’s face it: if your manager is going to take the word of a coworker (or supplier or customer) against yours, you’ve got a much greater challenge. Maybe it’s time to begin exploring new opportunities.

But sometimes you cannot afford to ignore a message. If you’re supplying a service as an outside vendor, or if you’re accused of unethical or illegal practices, you probably need legal advice.

2. Respond affirmatively, not defensively, if you respond at all.

Unless you’re competing to be Donald Trump’s Apprentice, you’ll usually lose points for finger-pointing. Focus on accomplishments.

3. Discover the reality of the situation.

What has the sender done in the past? Have similar situations arisen? How have they been handled? What was the outcome?

It’s not likely – but possibly everyone who has ever tangled with “Bob” ends up losing her job. Or “Elsie” tests everyone who’s new to the department. Or “Ken” wanted his cousin to win the account.

4. Decipher the hidden message.

When you get any negative business communication, your first question should be, “What’s really going on?” You can never assume, “Disaster!”
nor can you assume, “No big deal – this will go away.”

If you’re not sure, brainstorm with an outsider, especially if the stakes are high. Choose a coach or consultant who will ask you tough questions, encouraging you to view the challenge in a new light.

5. Focus on your future, not current distractions and feelings.

Are you picking up skills to become more marketable?
Will this business relationship enhance your credibility and lead to more lucrative options?
How can you create a new career path that will be meaningful and satisfying?

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Cathy Goodwin, Ph.D., coaches midlife professionals for the First Inning of their Second Career: business, retirement, new career moving, or enjoying more of what you have.
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